Overthinking is going to be the death of me, and late night writing is never a very big help...which is why this is being written on a saturday morning when I should just try to force myself back to bed.
You could call the first week busy, or hectic, or stressful, or intimidating, even for a senior who rolls eyes at the freshmen and their shaking knees. I've done just about all of it before. I've seen it all before. I know the people, the layout, the profs, the work, everything....well, not everything. And it's those things that I don't have a handle on that are making this first month back harder than I ever wanted to believe.
All summer I was caught wondering how to handle my life right now. The constant verbal bludgeoning with heavy phrases like "Live in the moment!", and "Stop planning ahead on this!" make me want to scream; because not only have they slowly worked their way into my mind to become something I might consider, but they still go against just about everything I stand for in the way that I direct my life, for varying reasons.
Don't get me wrong, it would be WAY too easy for me to just say 'fine, I'll just force myself to not worry, or think about the future, or anything, and just be blissfully ignorant in the moment'. But then all I could do is look in the mirror and call that man a fool. There are things going on in my life that mean a lot to me, and all I'm getting from everyone close to me is that I can't be myself to get through them - I have to CHANGE. Change behavior, change outlook, change what matters to me. How am I supposed to be happy if I'm just going to deny all the things that help me make important decisions?
Of course, the object of my frustrations is no help at all. That should probably clue me into something too, but..."oh, just keep trying, something will work out." I can hear her opinions about me any time, day or night, from her roommates, or her friends, but just try and talk to her, and all I get is a frightened/intimidated/uninterested girl putting on her dating training wheels and steering the metaphorical bike right into a tree. I'd just as soon walk the lonlier road than face the burn of another innocently cutting denial of my character/datability. This is a hassle I know I don't need.
I am back to being sick and tired of feeling like this whole ordeal is just some mirage-type deal that I can see but can't ever attain. When something frustrates me this much, I'll be the first to say I lose sight of any positive benefits of actually getting what I work for (a healthy relationship). But what I lack in drunken optimism I try to make up for in perspective. Most of the time that just gets me labeled a cynic and then whoever I'm arguing with leaves. Meh. If they can't handle trying to help me face my fears, then I'll do it the same way I always do. Alone.
In the end, I can temper everything almost beautifully by maintaining what no one can ever take away from me, no matter the topic at hand - my ability to close off my emotions in damage control and survive. Nothing I get myself into ever grows to the point that I can't come back from it. Eventually someday I might have strong enough feelings for someone that a new level of trust will become necessary...but until then, I work to keep my life under control, in spite of everyone else's, well, loose opinions about how I should live.
All that being said, I'm still going to try as hard as I can to see where this interaction between me and this girl goes. If it blows up in my face, well I have tons of practce in that to fall back on. If it works out, well, that's the whole point, right?
---------------In other news---------------
(hereafter known as everything that's on "The Back-Burner" of my mind. Shut up...it's early, and I'm doing my best to be clever, damn it...I mean, nobody's forcing you to read this.)
- FOOTBALL IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!!!!!!! MINDLESS VIOLENCE IN THE NAME OF GLORY, HERE WE COME! And damn it, Castille, for being a selfish jackass.
- Classes are new, shiny, and intimidating if only for their inability to be nailed down so I can figure out just how little I'll have to try to get that all-elusive 4.0 this year. Also, turns out the rumors are true - rock band will NOT help you learn guitar. At all. In any way. Other than the general frustrations of trying to play the damn thing without looking at the 'chords'. That version of frustration is about the same.
- I do miss the family some, and I wish I had the time/patience to call them without the sure-fire guarantee that I'm going to start an argument with my parents somehow. Oh well.
- I haven't played soccer yet, and it's probably part of what's working so hard to make me depressed. Oh, that, and the list of people I wish didn't know I was here.
- I've lost 3 years of inside jokes by not having a motivation to write them down. 7 if you count high school. So here's the best ones of this week that aren't being immortalized by shell's quote wall:
(Hunter swaying back and forth, from Chipotle: "I'm freakin out, man! I'm freaking out!")
(The Bike Club Club)
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