What a summer. Future me, when you read this, whenever that may be, I'm sure you (I? We? How do you talk in the first, second, and third persons in one sentence? ah well) will be in a better situation than the one I occupy currently. Two jobs at the same time is, first of all, ridiculous. I have not had a full day off from any manual work in over a month. Currently my roommate is trying to spend my money in advance on tickets and trips to do random college things that I have no excuse not to do. This is not unexpected, but it's making my efforts to make a little extra money this summer feel like I'm not quite making the headway that I was originally going to.
I'm worn to pieces, and the idea that a year of college full of pressures to get closer to a 4.0, get a good grade on the GRE, and find a grad school is a MORE RELAXING proposition than living through another month of a summer like this, is just crazy.
And yet, I'm going to miss this point in my life terribly.
This is my last summer as an undergrad. After this, I can't really claim to be a kid anymore. I'll have a college degree. I'll have an apartment for grad school basically living on my own. I feel like if I screw this up now, my brothers will have little reason to give a damn what I do next fall, or any time after that. We haven't had what you'd call a really great summer. Death in the family brings people together regardless of what they consciously try to do, but beyond that, it's just been a lousy summer that, for better or worse, is what I have to hold on to in terms of memories.
I spent most of this summer wishing it away. I blindly love college, and I'm not ashamed of that. The people there, the things we get to do, the total lack of maturity in general is refreshing and keeps me going. But summers at home aren't going to be there forever, as retardedly obvious as that sounds. Sure this is as serious as this stupid blog has gotten so far, but such is this time in my life, so it will get written down.
This summer I have hated the jobs I've had, the people I've had to deal with, the funeral I had to help in, the online classes I had to take, the shadowing that alienated me, and the lack of friends in this nowhere of a place I'm now obligated to call home. There are so many negative things that have happened in the past 3 months that I can hardly stand it.
I suppose a lot has gone right too, and there's a lot of promise going into the fall. Life seems to balance itself out, no matter how insane it gets at some points. I had some pressing debts to pay, and this summer I have worked my ass off completely to get them paid and get a little ahead. I was staring graduation in the face, and these online classes fell right in where I needed them. Hopefully the trend continues with my stupid GRE and a few other things, one of which being girl-related.
Yes, there it is. There is a girl that eats up a significant chunk of the free time I have in my mind. I have a few opinions about the whole thing, but the beginning of summer is NOT the time to start talking about feelings with a girl you can't see for 3 months. It eats at your brain like few things can. And you are reading the product of a guy who thinks WAAAAAAAY too much about a great number of things. Personally, I just want to prove to myself that I can hold a relationship together past 2 months. That seems to be the ceiling to whatever social happiness I am inherently entitled to.
There is something about having feelings for someone that leaves you freed and at the same time dangerously stuck on the ground. The optimistic thoughts in my head stand little chance, since they are decidedly the away team in my brain, and the crowd is not a friendly one.
I am also definitely ready for football season, if that was any indication. In the meantime, I'm going to write more when I'm not so tired.
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