Sarcastic Resolutions and Football Withdrawl

Another year, another chance to look for motivation. I've often found it easy to look back and think, "I could have really worked harder that semester, gotten an A in (insert impossible class), or spent more time on securing my future through some other networking means." Then, I realize how much the year really takes out of me. Couldn't have tried much harder in Genetics, still got a B. Couldn't have tried harder for several other things either, but that's the way it went. All in all, it's only worth looking at as a 'bad' semester if I'm willing to work on what didn't work. Otherwise, the status quo must not have been bad enough to foster change, right? Be as upset as you want, but fix it. That seems to be the way I'm wired. I've just let myself go lately, haven't been accountable, and it shows.

This whole graduate school admissions wrestling match has really pushed me to the limit. Hopefully someday I can sit back and laugh (or at least cringe) at how I got by, and can really look at all the things I did that kept me from getting through more easily...but for now, it's just insane. Everywhere I turn, something isn't done right, or won't be in on time, or can't be good enough to get me noticed by these admission people. My biggest hope is that they're easier on me than I am on myself...since I haven't met a single person who has ever been harder on me, I might actually have a shot...who knows?

Really, I'm trying to write something optimistic, but it always comes out sounding so hollow. There's a really good chance that I won't be in school a year from today. Scary thought, actually. I won't be anywhere near the concept of 'on my own', but still - the fact that loans will be due, with the only motivation having to come from me to do things like intern, shadow, and apply (again) is kind of weird. I've been a student as long as I can remember. The thought of just being, out here in the middle of snore-fest IA, is enough to make me lose it.

There was a plan. I like plans. I like my plans working out, whether I have to let people in to help me out or not. The plan was to get into grad school and just keep flying under the radar. Maybe meet some more cool people. Maybe even try a new state on for size (that part may still happen...nothing is worse than a state where I have ZERO friends). But either God or something else doesn't seem to agree with my plan. I couldn't tell you what it is.

The other day, I was asked if I thought God wanted me to be a physical therapist. I wanted to laugh and scream at the same time - how the hell should I know? Is there an email I missed where he confirms that this is an ok profession? I mean, the sarcasm could go on forever...I could write a whole post on that idea alone. But that wouldn't really help.

Honestly, I don't know what God wants of me. Figure if I screw it up badly enough, He'll let me know. I do know I'm not going through this for nothing, so in the meantime I'll just fight on, without any discernible reason as to why or how. Ok, the 'why' is actually easy - I'm stubborn and proud, and I always want to be the best. Tempering expectations would just water-down the experience.

So, speaking of expectations, I do have my New Year's Resolutions here. Maybe writing them down will help force me into habit:

-Put up one of these posts every week, for the year. 51 to go.

-Work out 3 times a week, every week.

-Add 25 lbs to my bench, A.K.A. the totally-for-show 225 lift.

-Get a working novel rolling. Not necessarily done, but started. These characters (and my imagination) have waited too long for this crap. Gotta get something done before all my creativity dries up and disappears.

-Play the confidence game. I don't have to actually believe in it when I act it out, but I'll admit, being friends with the mopy quiet kid probably isn't the most fun, for anybody.

-Graduate with distinction. Should be the easiest thing on this list, especially if the next point happens.

-Get a 4.0 on the semester. Should be cake, unless Whitson makes nutrition into a hellish class...something she's perfectly capable of.

-Have a hell of a good time at every wedding I go to. Should be easy as well, but this tour is going to be intense. AK, maybe KS, WI, IA, and by the end of this school year, who-the-hell-knows elsewhere. Everybody's getting hitched. And as long as I can get over the fact of how weird that sounds, along with the notion that finding that person for me would actually be incredible, I should be good to go.

-Oh, and seeing Iron Man 2. That thing looks like the best thing this side of another Batman sequel.